you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
