i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
