Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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