I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
