Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
