I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
