I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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