Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
