I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As shirtless as possible
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
