drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize