Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
