Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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