Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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