Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
