My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
me + whiskey = a bad person
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
