I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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