The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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