It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
