3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
