do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
