I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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