So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
