He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
