no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
