You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
