you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
