i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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