I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
