I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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