I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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