a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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