The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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