Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
