Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
