Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
