this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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