just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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