i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
