i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
