she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
