I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
