Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
