clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
