Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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