i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
