Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
