what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
