my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
