the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
