I just cut my nipple shaving
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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