I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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