I smell stomach acid.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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