he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
