Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
