On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
