Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
