Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
