I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
