meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
