When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
