I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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